If you watched my livecast this week, you know I made a big personal announcement during the first hour.
My fiancé Brett and I are not only pregnant, but we are expecting TWINS.
While we weren’t “trying” this fall per se, we obviously weren’t trying not to. We were both open and talked about having a family, and we just had no idea it would happen so fast with my being 41. I kept reading things about how long you’d have to try at this age! While it was a huge surprise, and sooner than expected, we saw it as a clear sign of just how meant-to-be this all was.
The kicker was, we didn’t know we had two at first. Here was my ultrasound at about 7 weeks. Just one little bean, right?
So we were just getting used to the idea that a baby was in there.
Then, I went back to my O.B. at around 10 weeks. And she’s doing the ultrasound at that next visit, and is talking through it, but then stops dead in her tracks and squints closer at the screen.
I immediately became concerned something was wrong. And my mind jumped to things like, “Oh no… all that tequila before I knew!” etc.
And that’s when she said it:
“Hold on… everything’s fine. There’s more than one.”
Not in a terrifying way. Or a yee-haw way.
Just in this amused, confused, shocked, and “where-am-I-who-am-I-WTF-what-is-happening-to-me-this-can’t-be-real” kind of way.
And then she turned the screen to show me this:
And my life changed forever. Again.
(I told her, by the way, this snapshot should win an award.)
And for the next several weeks, I experienced an extreme emotional roller coaster that alternated among incredible joy, fear, and even guilt around this huge blessing.
JOY about—besides the babies themselves of course—the fact that after years and years of waiting (sometimes patient and peacefully, sometimes pissed off and jaded, sometimes incredibly heartbroken), I’d finally met the man who was evolved enough to be my match, to step up for me, and wanted to.
We can talk through anything with love and respect, and we work together as a team. We enjoy complete transparence with each other. (And OK he’s also tall, hot, charming, and intelligent, with amazing blue eyes and an Australian accent. Not a bad combo.) We are handling this new turn in our lives in an adult manner with a calmness, confidence, love, and compassion that I’ve honestly never experienced in a relationship before.
FEAR around the fact that honestly, I haven’t babysat since I was 14. I have no idea what I’m doing. I held a few cute babies during my episode of ABC’s Secret Millionaire, but that’s about it. I am buying every book I see and am recommended, most of which have high-expectation titles such as The Happiest Baby on the Block. But I really need a book called How to Keep Your Babies Alive and Not Screw Them Up for Life, You Maternal Moron!
I’m anxious about their arrival, their care, feeding, and upkeep; how I’ll handle it, how they will affect our relationship; and how we’ll raise them well while continuing to pursue many of the other dreams we had. And I keep hearing from moms how hard one is, let alone two.
GUILT around the fact that I know babies don’t manifest so easily for some. Especially women in their 40s. A few of my incredibly intuitive friends, as well as a Native American shaman I met in Arizona this past summer, saw me becoming pregnant this past fall. There was a little soul hanging around me, just waiting for me to be ready to bring him into the world. But now I was given two? A boy AND a girl? What did I do to deserve this? I have friends who have gone through all kinds of measures to have a child. Some have failed. Some are still trying. And here I am… blessed naturally with two at once?
A storyline from one of my favorite TV series of all time, Sex and the City, popped up in my mind. Sweet Charlotte had been desperately trying to become pregnant for two years with her perfect husband in their perfect marriage. And then hard-driven Miranda—who had no desire to be a mom—accidentally gets pregnant with her goofy boyfriend Steve, who only has one ball! Charlotte was heartbroken… “Why her and not me?” And Miranda felt incredibly guilty about her blessing (once she accepted it) when she thought of Charlotte. But they both realized they couldn’t worry about how or why things happened that way. And they both went on to live happily ever after, on their own paths, in their own ways.
And with all these feelings comes… my lesson.
The letting go.
The realization and acceptance.
…that the timing and process and all the details aren’t really up to us. (And are they really ever?)
And we may never know why we experience something or go through something or are given something—good or bad—or blessed with something. And you can’t fret and compare to others and worry. “Why them and not me? Why me and not them?” You just have to say thank you and receive and know that God has a plan for you and only you. And God has another plan for someone else, which is really not your business. And you do your best… from where you are… with what you are given, and help others along the way whenever you can. That’s it.
And here we are.
Brett and I originally talked about a summer wedding, but we’ve decided to focus first on having two beautiful healthy babies, creating a loving home together, and preparing for all the upcoming changes in our lives. As you can imagine, we have a LOT to get ready for!
So we’re thinking next winter or spring. I’d like to take our time and enjoy planning the celebration. I picture a desert wedding, celebrating outside on a beautiful warm night, dancing with our babies under the stars and palm trees, with our family and friends and loved ones around us.
I have to say it feels wonderful to finally be ready to share this with all of you, and I am so grateful for all your support and advice. These babies are already so loved, and we’re feeling it every day. Thank you.
And Brett, thank you for not giving up until you found me. You’ve made dreams come true I didn’t even know I had. And I’m so excited for this amazing adventure with you.